I Care Too Much
by StarlightNights
Summary: A story told by Jacob.  About his first love, first time and first heartbreak.


**I Care Too Much**

Here I am again. Sitting outside of her house, my red truck idling loudly in her driveway. I looked into Bella's beautiful brown eyes and my heart began to race. Even if it was well below freezing outside, I could feel my palms sweat. I rubbed them on my jeans to dry them. No better way to ruin the most romantic moment of my life so far. She looked away from me, feeling uncomfortable under my glance. She sighed heavily and searched in the dark for her purse. "I had a really good time tonight, Jacob," Bella said, smiling at me. I love that smile. It was that very smile that brought her to my attention just a month ago.

It was a Friday night and me and my friends were out. We ended up, as usual, at Pinheads the bowling alley that my friend Quil worked at. Not only did we get to bowl for free (and seeing as how we were all broke that was pretty important) but even though we were only 19-years-old the owner let us have the run of the bar as well (another really important thing for bored teenagers). It was midnight when she and a friend stumbled in, giggling about an inside joke. It was hard not to notice them. Bella's long brown loose curls swirled around her before the door closed and the wind stopped. Her brown eyes sparkled as she smiled her beautifully perfect smile. Her best friend Alice had short choppy hair that went wild around her head in the most beautiful way and her soft brown eyes lookked as if they could look right into your soul. And even if it was snowing outside Alice wore only black leather pants, a white halter and a light black sweater. Bella wore a pair of tight jeans and a very tight sweater that failed to completely cover her taut stomach.

The bowling alley wasn't crowded (to be honest the place was kind of a dump) so there were plenty of lanes available. But they were assigned the lane two down from us, with no one between us. I think it was a treat from Quil to station these girls right beside us. And even if they weren't we would have noticed them any way. Not only were they beautiful but they were loud and expressive and seemed to want every set of eyes on them. And not to mention, they were horrible at bowling. Me and my friends considered going over to help them, maybe teach them a quick lesson or something. But they seemed to be having more fun than anyone else there so we left them be. But it didn't take long for us to make our way over to them anyway. There was something so intoxicating about them. It could have been their beauty. It could have been the way their laughter floated across the room into our ears, making us all smile. It could have been the fact that they seemed larger than life and too good to be true. Whatever the reason, we just wanted to be closer to them.

Bella and I were almost over before we even started. I was the shy one of the group so of course I didn't make the first move. Neither did she though. Embry did. And by the end of the night the two of them were making out. Alice noticed my sad smile and took pity on me even if she did already have a boyfriend. She spent her time talking to me as her friend disappeared behind the bowling lanes, deep into the heart of the machinery for what I always hoped was just a make out session without people watching. But now that I know Bella better, it was probably more than that. But I can still dream that none of my friends ever had sex with the beautiful angel. We stayed until 2 when Quil finally had to close up. Embry kissed Bella goodbye and they exchanged phone numbers. I rolled my eyes. Poor girl had no idea that she was never going to hear from him again. But that was just the way Embry was. He could never function in a relationship. He liked the idea of it. He liked the kissing and everything else. He just couldn't wrap his head around the idea of maintaining a real relationship. The phone calls. The dates. All he wanted was a pretty girl to look at. He got into his car and quickly left.

But the girls both decided that the night was still young and weren't ready to call it a night. And because my friends stomachs are bottomless pits someone recommended that we all go out for breakfast. And by the end of the night we had formed a solid friendship over greasy burgers and crispy french-fries.

And somehow by the end of the week me and Alice had become good enough friends that we innocently texted each other frequently. She admitted that Bella had little interest in Embry and I told her that he felt the same. And somehow she ended up giving me Bella's phone number. And because Embry hardly remembers that night that he and Bella met, nor did he care, he gave me his blessing and the next day I was on a date with her. Fate seems to have an odd way of working.

But a month later, here we are. Another date under our belts. As usual our date ended late, with me dropping her back off at her parents at three in the morning. She leaned in to kiss me and again my heart began to race and I became light headed as if my lungs couldn't pull in enough oxygen for me to survive. She tasted sweet, like the cherry chapstick that she just reapplied. My hands nervously fumbled under her shirt. I know that most guys by my age have a lot of experience with girls. But I guess that girls never noticed me much and I was always too scared to make them. So here I am 19-years-old and still silently terrified at the prospect of my relationship becoming more physical. I half expected her to push me away from her and slap me but her body arched under my touch, bringing her body closer to mine.

She parted her lips and her tongue brushed against my lips giving me the hint. It progressed slowly from there. I wanted to keep going and to keep going faster and she wasn't giving me any signs to back off. But what did I know? This is my first time going any farther than making out. My hand went farther up her shirt, reaching her breast and I felt her shudder under my touch. I pulled away. "I can stop if you think we're going to far." She smirked and pulled me back into her. I was very aware of her hand resting high on my thigh. I knew her hand must be cold, they were always cold, but it felt like it was so hot resting on my jeans that it would burn through my flesh.

She seems much more comfortable in the situation than I was. I pulled her shirt over her head and let it fall. I reveled in the beauty of her pale white skin. My hands forced the straps of her bra down her arms, exposing her breasts. My hands eagerly yet delicately massaged them. And when I was sure she was comfortable with the situation I moved my lips to them.

But before this could go any farther, I wanted to do what I had been planning all week. I pulled away and she frowned. "You're so beautiful." She smiled that smile that I loved so much and leaned into me again but I pulled back I wasn't finished. I came here on a mission. And it's changed a little because now I'm hoping that I could also get laid. My stomach flipped in excitement at the very thought of it. "And you're so much fun and I love spending time with you." I reached across the center console and laced my fingers with hers. So what if they're a little sweaty, hers were freezing and I'm sure she appreciated the added warmth. "And I've never felt this way before about anyone. You know that." I admitted sheepishly as I could feel my face burn hot with a blush. "And I just wanted you to know that…" It's now or never. I took a deep breath and looked into her vibrate brown eyes. "I think that I've fallen in love with you." I didn't say it at all like I thought I would, all sexy and confident. I said it a little too quickly, my nerves jumbling the sentence into just one awkward word.

I had felt so confident in those words. They came from my heart and who could ever deny me those strong emotions that bubbled over for her. I had thought about it all week. Playing it over in my mind. Just how perfectly I would say those words to her. The smile that she would give me as she wrapped her arms around me pulling me into a hug as she kissed my neck. She would say it back, reciting it over and over. And then we would end the night in a heavy make out session. But I now envisioned that make out session as finally having sex. And it would be amazing. Sure it was cold outside and even in my truck, the heating was horrible. But the heat radiating off of our bodies would be enough. And it wasn't the most romantic place, my cold truck in her parent's driveway while they slept. But that kind of thing didn't matter when you were in love like we were.

But my fantasy was cut short when I didn't get the immediate reaction I wanted. In fact it was just about the complete opposite of what I wanted. Her hand became limp in mine and she eventually pulled it away. Her smile fell into a sad pout. She tore her eyes away from me and looked to her hands in her lap. "I'm sorry." She sighed heavily fixing her bra back into place and searching for her shirt.

"We went too far." I groaned and threw my head back, wishing that my headrest was harder so I could smack some sense into myself.

"No. Not that. That was…fine." She said hesitantly as she sucked in her lower lip putting her shirt back on. "It's…" She exhaled deeply. "I don't want to say it back."

My heart had just swelled with so much love that it was ready to burst and with those simple words she did make it burst. "Oh." That was the only thing that was able to escape past my lips.

"I'm sorry." She turned to me. "I never meant… It's not that I don't like you. Because I do. I just… I've never said that and I don't want to say it just to say it. I want to really mean it. And know I really mean it." I nodded, it was all I was able to do. No words were going to be said by me, I couldn't unclamp my jaw. "I'm sorry," she said again, leaning forward and placing a kiss on my cheek. "Call me later." She offered a sympathetic smile before leaving my truck and walking inside her house.

I did call her the next day. And she answered. And we acted like what happened the night before never happened. We continued to go out on dates. And we continued to kiss and to hug and to laugh. And each date I got progressively bolder, making more sexual advances. But I always stopped myself short afraid that she would again crush my heart just when it was beginning to heal. And then one day I didn't stop my heart from feeling. And I finally allowed myself to fall back in love with her. But I kept those words locked between my lips. That same night, I stopped holding my body back and on my parent's basement couch, I finally lost my virginity. It was just as amazing as I thought it would be.

A week later, I again told her I loved her. Almost exactly a month since the first time. And again, she offered me that sad smile and gave me the same speech as before. And so our relationship continued, once a month I would pour my heart out to her, each time getting more romantic, for five months. And she never said it back to me. She didn't even come close. Until the six month when I said it and she broke up with me. It was difficult for me to keep myself together for that moment. I wouldn't let her see me cry. And after I got over that initial burst of emotion, it got easier. I never did cry. I pouted. And my friends took me out every night, hoping to help me get over her. They tried to set me up with other girls but I wasn't ready. None of the other girls could hold my attention like she could. And my heart was still hanging on to the thought that maybe one day Bella would wake up and realize that she loved me too. But I wasn't holding my breath.

No, I don't think she was heartless. Just honest. Sure it hurts like hell. She delivered my first heart break. But where would anyone be without the bitter sting of a heart ripped to shreds?

I still talk to Alice from time to time. Sometimes she tells me what Bella is up to. Always dating someone new. Breaking their hearts in the end too. Until our last conversation just a year after Bella had crushed my heart. Alice's news of Bella shocked me. She had finally found someone to love. It was the first time she was able to finally say those magical words to someone else. And not only was she in love but she was also engaged. And the worst part of it all was that I was still single as I had been since we broke up. I hadn't dated a single girl since we parted ways. She's moved on, fell in love and promised to love and cherish someone til death do them part and I am still pining over her refusing to move on.

I know that I should say that I hate her, but I can't. I hold a very special place in my heart for Bella. She was my first love. And nothing is going to make that go away. Each day the hole in my heart gets smaller and smaller but I don't think it will ever go away. Even if I find someone else and let myself fall in love and even if they love me back. I don't think the pain from my first love will ever go away. But I hope that in time, I can at least learn to deal with it.


End file.
